Besides my own copy of the article, Bob Young was also kind of enough to include his copy of it in this week’s package of Wall Street Journals which I always pick up on Tuesdays. Bob is the reason why I get one of the nation’s two top newspapers (and most expensive newspapers) for free, though I do have to settle for reading the paper a week late. This is a very small price to pay. It doesn’t bother me at all to read a week-old paper since I’m much more interested in the analysis than I am in up-to-the-minute news, which I can get from television and which I don’t consider to be worth much anyway. I’m not a news junkie in that sense and have never subscribed to the modern 24/7 news cycle and never intend to. For one thing, it’s very rarely accurate. What they are reporting is merely the best information they have at that particular moment in time, before they’ve had a chance to vet it, before they’ve had a chance to analyze it. And they have no choice but to put it out that way because that’s what all their competitors are doing.
I have no interest in the "latest and greatest," not unless I can take it to the bank. I am only interested in finding out what they finally find out AFTER they’ve been able to gather and confirm all the relevant facts from all the reputable sources. For this you have to wait weeks and sometimes months for the analysis. That’s what I want. Analysis is never out of date, it is always the best of what they have to offer after they know what’s really going on and have given the facts their due deliberation, something for which the 24/7 news cycle has neither the time nor inclination. So it doesn’t bother me one bit to read week-old Wall Street Journals because I’m only paying attention to the analysis, which a week later is still relevant. Still, it’s always quite interesting to reads the news bytes about the latest and what they think it means, and now having the perspective of being a week later and seeing whether they were right or not. And though they’re right a good deal of the time, they’re also wrong a good deal of the time. I really find this more instructive than getting the news hot off the presses.
But I am grateful that I’m able to get one of the country’s best newspapers free of charge due to the generosity of Bob Young, especially since the Journal doesn’t allow you free web access the way the Times and other papers do. So when it comes to the Journal, what I don’t get from Bob, I generally don’t get. But he’s an old man and I know this isn’t going to last forever. In fact, I almost lost it in October. Bob was in the hospital getting radiation for lymphatic cancer; things weren’t looking good. They thought he was terminal. And his wife Betty informed me that her son had now expressed an interest in the week-old Journals and she would be passing them on to him from now on. So I thought that was the end of twenty years of getting a free Wall Street Journal.
That’s when I became interested in the Kindle. If I had to subscribe to the Journal, might as well get it on the Kindle. Then I researched it and was shocked to find out that the Journal is one of the few papers that don’t automatically have free Kindle access if you’re already a subscriber. No, the Journal not only denies even subscribers free access, they actually make you buy an entirely separate subscription just for the Kindle and, worst of all, it costs $30 MORE than their regular subscription! That sort of made the decision that I was NOT going to be reading the Wall Street Journal on the Kindle if and when I got one. (This is not the only gripe I have with the Journal. Believe me, it has its faults, especially since Rupert Murdoch took over. But that’s the subject of another essay.)
The Kindle problem quickly became moot. Bob came through his radiation okay and great news! -- he no longer has an expiration date. So Bob had something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. And he informed me that he was once again putting me back on distribution for his old Journals, which started about three weeks ago. So I have something to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving too.
Which brings us back to the original topic – Mom’s Oakland Press article and reasons to be thankful on this Thanksgiving, when so many people are down on their luck and are hard-pressed to find things to be thankful for. Of course we feel for the downtrodden and those of us who are fortunate enough to have homes and incomes do what we can to assist those who aren’t; though it often isn’t enough, and I certainly count myself among those who are trying to help others but could be trying harder. But I am always thankful for the intangibles that almost everyone else takes for granted, things people never appreciate until they lose them – health, education, and family!
I know there are many people who have lost their jobs and have lost their homes. Several of my closest friends are among these. And believe me, I’ve been there. I have had several periods in my life, even during economic booms, when I’ve been unemployed for six months, a year, two years, longer! I have had several periods in my life when I was unemployed and literally down to my last fifty dollars, the rent was due next week, and I had no idea how I was going to pay it. And I was stressed to the max and feeling very much the victim of misfortune and totally at a loss as to why I was so unlucky despite working so hard.
But even during these darkest times, I also considered myself blessed to have one piece of good fortune that so many others I knew could not claim. I had my family. I always knew, no matter how bad things got, there was always the option of going home. Mom and Dad would always be there to provide a refuge for however long I needed it until I got back on my feet. Until I got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I never exercised that option, but stayed in the swim until I got things turned around on my own, even if that meant living in a rat-trap room that was all I could afford and living on a diet of carrots and peanut butter until I had a paycheck. I was able to do all that because I knew I had the luxury of that option of taking the peace and shelter that home provides. Until the CFS, I never did it, but knowing it was there was enough. Just knowing I had a family was all I needed to get me through some very desperate times.
But then I did get CFS and suddenly had no choice but to take that option. It took years of fighting CFS to make me understand how silly I had been to stress out about being unemployed and having no money. It took being pinned down by the CFS demon to make me desperately want to go back to those days of being unemployed and having no money. For now I realized that at least I had had my health and my education and that those were so very much more paramount than employment and money. Education, once you have it, is something no one can ever take away from you. And you can use it all your life. Health, of course, is something that – with it, anything is possible; without it, nothing. And unlike money and employment, both of which can be replaced with work and persistence (though there are times as my own history proves that sometimes it can take years), health you can lose at any time and you can lose it in an instant. And once you lose it, sometimes there’s no getting it back.
Having suffered with this disease now for twenty years, I can honestly say I see nothing positive about disease and suffering and take genuine offense to those religious extremists who seem to believe there’s something virtuous about it, believe this to the point that they actually seek it out, something I think is an obscenity. But if there is anything positive about disease and suffering, it would be this – disease is completely democratic. Disease is completely undiscriminating. Disease is probably the world’s only truly equal opportunity employer. Disease could care less about the balance in your bank account. The wealthy are no less vulnerable to it than the rest of us. And if it’s serious enough, no amount of money will make it go away.
So I felt foolish and silly and a little ashamed that I never fully appreciated these intangibles before I lost them, that I allowed myself to get so seriously stressed out over money, that I never understood that as long as I had my health, my intellect, and my family, there was no money problem that could not eventually be solved. So yes, it’s good that disease is democratic and the flip side – so is health! Health may depend to a small degree on the size of your pocketbook, but it’s mostly about making proper choices, and most of those choices are well within anyone’s financial means.
So disease could care less about your bank account. The same is true of family. If you are fortunate, as I always have been, to have even one person in your life who genuinely loves you, then they could care less too. One of my favorite authors, the late great Paul Bragg, once wrote that this was the very definition of heaven – the gift of health, the gift of work, and the gift of family. He wrote, "If you have these three, then you are in heaven here and now, and so are they."
So it took CFS to make me appreciate these intangibles and, especially with my continuing recovery over the last three years since the discovery of the sleep apnea, I have much to be thankful for. Without your health, you have nothing. There were so many years at the beginning of this crisis when I had nothing. I was in so much pain and so exhausted I could not get out of bed and was virtually incapacitated for five whole years. I was in so much pain that I could not go out in public, for I never knew when a pain would strike and make me scream at the top of my lungs. Oh yes, many times I would have gladly traded my situation for being unemployed and broke again. Just give me my health, God. I’ll take care of the rest of it. (And God is completely democratic too. Except for the parable about the camel passing through the eye of a needle, God could care less about your bank account too.)
To conclude this essay, I’ll go back to the beginning and also express my supreme gratitude that my mother is still with us and, but for occasional short lapses into her dementia, continues to do exceptionally well at 94-1/2. I’m grateful for every week that we have her, and pray every day that she stays with us in good health long enough to see me complete my recovery and renew my career. (If nothing else, I really need her to live long enough for me to complete this script so she can see my clean-shaven face again.) It would also be very nice for her to be around long enough to see me become a really good pianist, one of the reasons I’m so driven at it. I really do regret that I did not start my lessons again after Loopholes was finished in 2000. I really think Dad would have enjoyed listening to my daily practice, attending my concerts and recitals, and observing my progress. He really would have enjoyed that. Well, I do believe that he is looking down on me and that he is enjoying it. So I guess what I really regret is that I’m not able to see him enjoying it.
Life is full of alternate scenarios. Every decision we make, every action we take, sends us down a different path in life and we simply do our best with the hand we’re dealt and the cards we choose to take. Lately, with Mom, things have been great. Thanksgiving was wonderful, but it got off to a really rocky start. When I got to Lourdes yesterday, she was having an episode and was in tears. But one good thing about having a short memory is that you have a short memory. No matter how bad things get, in a short time you forget about them and are happy again. So I put her in the car to go to Ann Arbor and, within ten minutes, she had forgotten about her rough morning and was cheerful again. For now I’m blessed with the fact that she’s easily distracted. I pray this continues. (Gee, I think I may have just written my annual Christmas letter ... )
But I’m getting more and more reports lately of her refusing her medication, of her being moody and difficult. This has usually happened only once or so a week, but lately it seems to be every other day. Next time I’m in there, I’m going over the charts with the nurses to see just how frequent are these bouts. At once a week, I’m not worried. If it’s three times a week, we need to be looking into better solutions.
So I’m grateful that it hasn’t come to that yet. And hope it never does. Like all of you, it is my sincere hope that she die peacefully in her sleep before the anti-dementia drugs wear off and the Alzheimers finally consumes her. I’m hoping the end comes quickly and with relative comfort.
Until then, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the continuing recovery in my health, for my education, and for my family. And for those of you who are still suffering from this economy, my best wishes go out to you. I’m here to help and support anyway I can. And I leave you with this final thought. Do not give up hope. Be vigilant. If you have the other three, the rest will take care of itself. It may take a while, but you are going to be okay. I promise.
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